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stay on target, stay on target... [13 Jun 2003|04:23pm]
I know, it's been too long since we sat and talked. I plan to return to the journal next week. It's funny how many things have occurred during my absence. a few thoughts and then we'll have to meet back here next week.

1. miss independent by kelly clarkson is a great song for strippers to strip to.
2. I still love the osbournes. It still makes me laugh.
3. I got rid of my cable.
4. I got a cellphone, that takes pictures.
5. I got paid, mad paid.
6. x is off to japan to find an old boyfriend and the love that lies therein
7. i got kicked out of my apartment because they are turning them into condos.
8. i have lost weight because I cut out carbs and sugar and booze
9. I bought a car.
10. my dad is driving down from williamsburg virginia to help me move. he has been forced into retirement and he is bored.
11. the new album is a go. I've written three rough songs.
12. I coming back to nyc in july to record and hang.
13. I liked xmen2 better than matrix.
14. and tatu's performance at the mtv movie awards was maybe the best jerk I ever had, and i aint talkin chicken.

xomc
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endless summer [01 May 2003|04:32pm]
there's a hole in my right sneaker that lets in all kinds of things, mainly dirt and when I pull my sock out, it's charcoal black. I peel the sock off and the black has continued onto my foot. my feet are too worn and calloused to have blisters. this is because I've been walking home from work. It's about 4.4 miles and it's my new drug, my new escape. I've done it four times and if my shoes can handle it I will do it all this week and next,a nd then buy new shoes. this weekend I'm working both days so I plan to try to do it there and back. the people that drive along side me, co- workers, offereing a ride, cocking eyebrows at the notion of walking when riding shotgun is readily available is practically offensive, it's such a crazy notion. but it feels beyond good. sure my back aches by the end and my feet sting and my ankles strain, but it gives me time to clear my head and be sober. that's another new thing. sobriety. no weed or beer since sunday and that might not seem like a long time but consider the fact I've been on one or the other every day since the January of my nineteenth year. I feel as though emily has already left and in a way, so has jeanie. that's her name. and I'm saving the last entry to say it. It's now time for me to figure who I am when I am not chasing off the blues or chasing skirt or a joint. I don't want to date or get trashed or write haikus to high ideals. I just want to strip myself of this hibernation fat and feel free and fine. I am writing rhymes but its for my new album. I have a new journal and that's for being honest and not just a character in a show. I climb the concrete steps to the back of my apartment and enter the new heat of may and unload a humble little tv dinner into the microwave. I look over my feet, inspecting them. then i wash them, feeling somewhat biblical. As Stormy would say, I'm casting off taint, trying to shed the ego and the delectable pain of my past and just be me. 27, young, old, alive. it's difficult for me to listen to others, to not talk about myself, a person that cooses only to complain despite getting letters from strangers every day, telling me to continue doing what I've done thus far. I am sad and alone, chanting a hymn in my heart for a better day, one with a sun filled air shooting past clouds like a flashlight in the attic. I am meditating, looking at my pros and cons. there are things that need to be dashed to ground, there are so many plates to break, so many champagne glasses to be thrown in the fire. I think I can do it and have chosen this summer as the first phase. an induction ceremony into a grown version of who I was. I'm still young, but I feel as though the childish buttons and ribbons need to stay in the photoalbum. and let the blackouts and hangovers go there too. it may all come back like a damn falling prey to tiny cracks, but I will fight it and think of what's right and try to rise up. I will drink on my brithday in september, maybe on the fourth of july or memorial day, but we'll just have to see what happens. I will stop this journal for now, because the one sided love story it featured is gone and there's no one new and maybe that means it's time for me to stop talking and start listening to others. I thank all of the folks that have ever read this and encouraged me. if you're reading this, send a comment and say goodbye, but don't be upset. I will come back and talk when I need to. For now, I don't. I just need to walk. One hour and one half a day until my shoes fade from my feet and my feet leave the ground. Have a great summer. stay sweet. bff. xomc
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weird science [25 Apr 2003|05:10pm]
well it's friday. for once in my life, my mr. stevie wonder is playing and I'm feeling pretty darn friday. had lunch with mlay at subway and it was a light hearted laugh, no drama. it's funny some of her friends here can't fathom a life without her so they're just following her up there to the dakotas, as I call them. she was worried I wouldn't keep in touch. I asked her how I would be able to not keep in touch with someone that emails me over 20 times a day? it was actually nice to see her worried. this weekend should be fun. going out with the boss for a beer after work and then who knows. x is having dinner with her x, off the boat from japan. he'll be here for two days. he's having a party tomorrow night that she plans to attend as well. I asked her if she planned to hook with him and she said she didn't know and even talking about it with me would be weird. we're at a stange place. ooops. gots to bolt. will write more this weekend. xomc
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and i'm like [24 Apr 2003|11:32am]
today is better than yesterday, and the afternoons are better than mornings. I'm amazed at how all over the place I've been. In fact it's embarassing that I haven't been able to keep myself in check. but right now I feel in control, in check, which is good. it's take your kids to work day today. of course the company has tents and hot dog vendors and big busses full of basketball stars showing up. funny. I got ril drunk last night and at one point felt so nautious in the middle of the night I ran to the bathroom to puke, but all I had to do was pee. I felt like I had the flu for about five seconds, but it was just the pee flu. I'm glad mlay's leaving in a way cuz I drink like a fish when I'm around her, even more than usual, because drinking mass quantities is almost encouraged. I can't wait to stop, to set a goal. I feel john belushi a few days before his death when he had that photograph taken of him by the rail road tracks for rolling stone. I will say this... miller lite gives you an easy hangover and not drinking hard alcohol is also very good to the head. last night I was at her place downloading music while she finished playing halo, sitting on her feet. music has such an effect on me, especially the music from my childhood. I found this song, dear mr. jesus. oh my god, it's christmas and I'm like 8, listeing to the radio in my room, thanking jesus that I didn't get abused. I also down loaded a bunch of booty shakin jams and some christopher cross. and let us not forget the tubes. it was great. to see the girls eyes light up at each song. well, not ktron as much as mlay. I can't really read ktron. I think she's just joking all the time, so you can never tell when she's really pissed or annoyed. it's like a minefield. fun. the phone rang constantly and people emailed her all night, so of course my ego was not being stroked, and this made me flip out on the inside. funny thing she didn't remember the kiss, she was too drunk and I guess it wasn't great. she has no feelings for me, not even fling feelings and neither does x, so now I aint got nobody to love me. but I guess I'm tired of being afraid of being alone. This morning I felt guilty for attaching myself onto mlay too quickly when her life was in such a flux. I thought I should back off and stop calling and emailing, she was like not allowed. so that's that. I begged her not to be so guarded and to just be herself, I was already hurt, that wasn't going to go away so let's just be who we are. even if it's flirts. she worried about leading me on. i hear that. but at this point I'm like, lead me on, somebody do something, because the five chambers are growing dark. adding insult to injury I think everybody, including x, mlay and travis (dakota girl thief,) will be attending a party together this weekend. mlay's gonna wanna hump x. i don't think she's ready for how smokin x is. I can't wait to see her eyes glaze over. did I happen to mention that mlay's bisexual? yeah. next stop lickalotapus. if they start making out I'm gonna blow my brains out. should be interesting... xomc
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rodriguez philbin [23 Apr 2003|10:29am]
this is getting worse by the day. I have two dollars to my name. can't figure how to pay both rent and bills without procurring more fines. i somehow fell back into the idiotic position I was in last fall, called the cheek phase, where a cheek is offered instead of lips. mlay's leaving and the time she has left here will be monopolized by the men that were clever enough to get her a job up in the Dakotas. I will start going on auditions and acting workshops to occupy my brain, but all my brain can think right now is how much I hate it here, how this whole southern experience has resulted in my being deep fried to a black and useless crisp. all that phoenix stuff was blind optimism at its best. now that my support system has been threatened and my focus dashed to the ground, I'm not sure as to how I will get through this. and I've decided to stop drinking, for mainly monetary pourposes but also because I fear that I am so freaked out right now I may end up jumping in front of cars or something while in black out mode or at the vey least, drinking much and getting more unattractive than I already am in the process. hung out with x last night and watched the g-girls (maybe one of the few treats left to me, that and 38 special and huey lewis) I felt as if she had moved on right quickly after having nightmares of me and mlay, after hearing the truth. If I could have cake, and I can't, I wouldn't be allowed to eat it or even look at it. my horoscope said before I give myself to someone I had to know myself. I had already decided it was a good idea to try to invest in myself as an individual rather than part of a couple, but now I guess I'm really gonna have to do it. I can't just get excited about doing it after taking some pictures of leaves and repurposing a shoe box. so let's hope I can invent some way to get out of this without becoming that person I hated last fall, following an idea around, longing to be held. I can get through this. I've got to believe I can. Where have you gone Daniel Beddingfield? xomc
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I was tempted by sirens that have now left their island [22 Apr 2003|11:23am]
and we're back to blue. there were plenty of hoorays and good for you's thrown around after the last entry, but what I thought was sure to happen and secretly prayed wouldn't, did. mlay's given me six weeks before she's off to South Dakota to be the head of marketing for an internet company. I was so happy to finally talk about her yesterday. after a few beers and after mopping the floor and cleaning the dishes, I was struck with the thought that I hadn't properly told x about her and blammo it would be in my journal. I sent her an email with the journal entry in it to make sure she'd find out about it, but the thought hit me: this will make her sad. sometimes I'm running on auto pilot, so happy to express but never considering the effect it will have on others. so I took a few deep breaths and called her and I was a mighty bit nervous to do it, but then I forgot that my x rivals princess diana in her compassion and understanding. she was quiet and maybe her voice trembled a little. she said she didn't mind, she just didn't like me being so excited about her. or at least it hurt to hear. it was too quick, one week. I hadn't given her much time to process what had happened with us. but at the same time we both knew that she wasn't going to fall in love with me and I was going to do anything to be happy and avoid another depression. or should I say, a second depression. we had a sublime conversation that was easy and not stressful and kind on both ends. she still wants to see me tonight for gilmore girls, I'm dying to curl up next to her and fall asleep. I'm a little exhausted from feeling so sad about her and I and so esctatic and now sad over mlay. things are affecting x more than I thought they would, just gauging her distance from within the relationship and not from outside it. she actually said I love you last night. I said that we had to break up for me to hear that. It seems as though all the things that were wrong with us were instantly corrected by my saying we should just be freinds. and as for mlay, i think that I'm more upset that I would like to admit. despite my declarations of infatuation, I'm going to miss one of the most enjoyable friends I've ever had. I almost wish I wasn't given a glimpse of what I really want. I almost wish I never knew what I was after, because now I have to go and find it. And as much as I like being alone, I don't want to be alone right now. And this search feels like a forever, and it hasn't even been a week. xomc
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river phoenix [21 Apr 2003|04:09pm]
I'm sorry but it has to be the happiest monday in the world. I don't know why. Maybe it was all the easter candy waiting for me when I walked into work. I dunno, but that "I just found candy" feeling has followed me around all day like stupid little puppy sliding all over the place in its homemade pajama feet. the weekend was soaked in beer and grilled over popping charcoal. my x (as she will now be referred) was in Texas downing sunshine and happiness seemed fine when we spoke on the phone. I asked her to feel a little sad, she said she did. friday was drunken nonsense, my friends were fighting, I moved between the two parties with reckless love for both. Saturday I was picked up by some new friends. I guess I've only hinted at them, but it became clear when my friend kate asked, who's the new girl? that these people had become a part of my life. I didn't want to say there was someone new, because there's not. I didn't want to say it because I was ending a relationship and you're supposed to be sad and mopey, suicidal, climbing up into to trees to recite poetry to dead baby birds. I just wasn't there. I felt like something was dying but at the same I could not deny spring and all the life in the air. So yeah, I was picked up by three people: ktron, jody and mlay. the most important thing I should say is that they like to drink which fits perfectly into my wanting drink until my brain goes black. ktron is this girl that sounds like cartman and doesn't like to be touched, but she did say that she loved me. so I know that even while she puts on the ol' mount rushmore bit with me, she's dying to give me a spin on the shiny swing dance floor. ok, maybe that's a stretch. she does buckle and laugh, if I've done my job. there's jody, a new guy, who laughed at me with more gusto than mlay or ktron combined. I was introduced to m at work where she was touring the grounds with a web head who did a site for one of the shows. we all went drinking that night. she was a fan, had bought both albums and a shirt, said oh my god when she figured out who I was. that always dose me wonders, wish it happened more than three times a year. needless to say, the way she adored me right off the bat was enticing. she was being lured to south dakota by financial security and some boys (she's has admirers up the ying yang) but at the same time she wanted a job down here, in my line of work. so I set out trying to get her job not knowing why, quite. since our first meeting we've emailed often, she's one of those IM types that types to friends while she speaks a mile a minute on her dying cell. last night, she even said to me that I needed a computer at home so we could have e-fun over the weekend. they took me out drinking. jody was some kind of social butterfly jumping from table to table at the mellow mushroom. the girls were knee deep in the crimson wave, bad mood central, so I set to work making them laugh. Now I've made them laugh before, to tears, like I've never seen before (well ok, there's philly.) I always thought this was cuz I hadn't been on stage or loved for too long and my inner king of comedy was coming out. But it was great. the more they laughed the funnier I got. this did wonders for my broken heart. and as jody began to take me in, a fan as well, the more his face lit up like he was around something new and great. I had no money so I sang for my supper, dancing, rapping anything they asked. and they loved it. and it felt wonderful. sometimes I would say things that I didn't think was funny at all and everyone would clasp their eyes shut and get red faces. real helpless gut reactions. Now I must confess that I have a crush on mlay. It's obvious. And I'd like to meet the guy that didn't immediately fall for her. I didn't want to hurt x by jumping into or onto something else so quickly, so irrationally, but there was never any boundries crossed. hugs were hard to come by and there was definitely no kissy face. I got sucked into my old bit of, cast aside your initial butterflies and be that friend that all these other men fail to be. like I did with x and countless others, a selfless, nice guy act that truly puts you at the end of the race. sure you get to see them all the time, more than others and they love you more than anyone else, but your balls look like two smurfs in the fetal position. why have you forsaken us, chris? the more conflicted mlay has become over whether to move the more I decided not to play this part and be this thing that is enticing and nonthreatening. I am threatening. Everyone should be scared shitless. I want to have babies. I told her that I honestly wasn't thinking of her best interests, and my need to have her stay wasn't completely respectable. she said thanks for the honesty. I still felt like scum because I loathed all the guys writing her and calling her nonstop, begging for this that and the other thing. I had been lumped into their lot and there's nothing sepcial about that. that all happened today. cut back to last saturday when we said goodnight and she gave me one of her bear hugs, covering me in her perfume. she looked at me and strangely smiled and then kissed me. she was drunk. I'm gonna think that she was drunk. I'm gonna think that it wasn't great and she was drunk. And it was closed mouth, no tongue, grandma kiss, real boring, real unaffectionate, but still oddly miles and fathoms further than I thought possible. and even if that's the shattering climax, it filled me to the rim with the thought, "I'm gonna live, I'm gonna survive this." It sent me over the end of one chapter and into the other. the next day I went to a barbecue where a turkey was fried and bacci balls were thrown. we all brought shoe boxes and art supplies so we could make trolleys we would pull by string. we'd then put them in a pile and set them on fire. I called mine, opting not to be subtle, opting to dive head first into the end of a dusty obsession, opting to be honest: the death of love. I put a yellow rose a homeless man gave me inside on a bed made of faux grey snakeskin, I taped a hundred or so tednrils of black packing paper all over the top making it look like a fuzzy dredlocked herse from monsters inc. there were windows on either side so you could see the flower explode, i attached a bunch of sparklers to it. it went up fast. I strangely relied on huey lewis and the news during break up week, "if this is it?" to be more precise. I was at the brew house with matt and christian on friday spacing out because I was so high. the song came on, it was the first one the juke played that night, and it was too much of a coincidence. then the homeless man offered me a yellow rose. the rose sat in a cup of water the whole weekend, symbolizing all the pain and heartache and joy and ecstasy that I had experienced with x. my burning the rose does not mean those memories are bad ones, or that she is dead to me in any way. impossible. if you met her you'd want her to be in your life forever too, just like I do. but I had wrapped my head around her for so long, too long without ever really being loved back, and that's too much like my childhood. far too much. It felt good to be closer to being an adult, realizing what I needed to flourish as a human, realizing what pitfalls my upbringing has forged into my brain, doomed to repeat over and over until I'm hit with a acre of lighbulbs above my head. i hate to make any phoenix analogies, I mean that has been done to death. but goddam if I don't feel red and on fire. happy easter! xomc
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limping towards that last kiss [18 Apr 2003|01:30pm]
I dragged my fingers along the chain link fence, searching for a place to pass through. I got to the end there's a small space I might've been able to fit through if I was a kid. When it is night and I am outside, feeling the leaves against my elbows, the grass water soaking up into my jean cuffs, I am forever caught in a ghost in the graveyard/ kick the can state of mind, but I have grown, I am too big to hide, to big too fit through the tiny places I leapt though as a child. And to make matters worse, I lose my footing, begin to slip and my foot, already laden with chuck taylor's trademark holes, lands squarely on a nail tex avery style. She was waiting at her car, leaning on the trunk, smoking cigarettes, still in work clothes, a new new lime green top, heralding a warmer season. we held eachother closer than before, in fear of letting go, getting lost, being alone. One for the road, with my nose itching that gonna cry, damn this new hole in my foot, itch. we bring our mouths close as if it were the first time. they slowly and ever so politely widen and brush up against eachother like a burn victims bravely entering an embrace. the tip of her tongue lurches forward out of habit, out of need, maybe, our necks bend, chins go diagonal, one deep long kiss goodnight. and then we fall speechless in the power and weight of what had fallen, what had died. xomc
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heart set on hollow: the death of cookie breath [17 Apr 2003|11:12am]
now we begin something new. the focus of my journal has always been on this girl. as you've seen, the scandalous erotic adventures have waned as have the entries. when e-journal entries subside it usually means there is chaos lurking in the darkness. and that chaos was the silent and deadly type that eats away your insides. so we've nipped it in the bud. the relationship is over, the obsession is over, the pining is over. just as a girl in town for the weekend inspired a drunken confession of affection for another. a girl inspired the realization that the lies my heart told we're gaining weight, slowing my soul down. she is leaving too. so, soon I will be alone, left to series of arrows that carry my feet to the local pub. I plan to drink for a little while longer. Then take a break, see if I can't retrieve my body from excess. For a while, there was chilling subtext with girlfriend. We were out, laughing, socializing, galavanting, all the while my inside eyes cried. I finally was encouraged to write a letter. And I went into it bravely, despite knowing her x-boyfriend loved to send long crazy emails about how they were meant to be together. and to really be as ineffectual as possible he sent them during the middle of the day so as to catch her off guard and kick her out of work mode, an ineffective and cruel thing to do. but I wrote it and I sent it, feeling as though I was ruining my life and somehow saving it all in one swoop. exactly how I felt when I quit my job. I left work early and ran to friends who fed me fried chicken and irish whisky. they played video games while I proceeded to get shit faced. pausing in between jokes to hold my head or look at my hands wtc style. what has happened? and where will I turn? how will I go on? the next morning I woke up. there was a cat there, and yet I only felt hungover, my eyes red like mr. mike's during his brain explosion. I was driven to work where I shaked off the booze, and the feeling that my life had ended. She too wrote me a letter. She agreed with me. Let's get back to the beginning when we were great, when we were friends. In my heart, I knew that was where it would go. I hoped she would be shocked, forced to run across town in the rain to plead her case. but the weather's been beautiful, not a cloud in the sky. I felt worse suddenly, ran to cigarettes on the roof, tears came and shaking lips, swollen throat. The wind blew and I grabbed my shoulders amd walked back into the heat of building. threw myself into my work. and now I'm here full of hotdog and hash browns. cibo matto sings moonchild and I feel myself climbing out of the too soft bed of sadness. I'm streatching, arching my back and pulling open the curtains. the shower head holds me as I cave in. my muscles rise up. my heart is rolled in on a gurney to the hospital in Ramstein. I think I will be alright. I have some new friends that have been given explicit instructions to hug me often and laugh at all my jokes. I will have to tell all my old friends the news. See their sad faces. That look of, you're not as good without her. I will have to kiss my hand again and take the train home. I will have to continue this hyperactive tale. unfortuantely there is no end in sight. xomc
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cornered in a mind fuck [16 Apr 2003|02:56pm]
I spoke prematurely. that happy part. gone. be prepared for some pathos the likes of which you've never seen. xomc
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april showers [16 Apr 2003|10:46am]
can someone tell me why I am suddenly in a good mood. or why I don't use question marks. it's the same thing as last entry, really sad, but happy too. cibo matto has much to do with it. the nice weather. the shorts I am wearing. the drawing I'm drawing. Someone has applied jumper cables to my imagination and I'm exicted to start writing new songs, maybe draw some things that have nothing to do with work, write a script. I got asked to be in a play and that kicks ass. They asked me to read the script but hell, I'd be in Charlie Brown's Christmas Pageant at this point. I want to do something bold. I'm bored with drinking. well at least the kind of drinking that ends up with me lying on the sidewalk, I'm interested doing the kind of drinking that fuels one of those four hour conversations. day drinking. I have a party this weekend, and a playdate in the park. I watched secretary last night. I am in love with maggie, was since donnie darko, but now alexis bledel has competition. I feel like andrew the way I love the tv people, but he said something about how angel and buffy are the only people that make him think love was possible, and I thought that was just about the most hopeful, most innocent thought, a promising gesture aimed at the cruelties of life. I washed dishes and cleaned my apartment while girlfriend accustomed herself to star hollow. I guess I always felt ashamed about liking it, because her gaydar's always up. last night she said she liked the show, I said I didn't care: it was going on. I missed much of it. I hope lorelai and luke realize that people will not wait for ever (see: ED) to see two people get together. they want it! ugh... let's get it on you two. If I'm not gonna have sex at least let the tv people have the sex so I can live vicariously. I'm excited for the matrix. that has nothing to do with anything, but I look forward to the new spectacle. Where's my new spectacle, hollywood. where are my question marks. I want dishpan eyes! let's go. cabin fever: over. spring fever: on. I want my big movies, my irrational sweeps plot twists, I want kisses in a shower of dogwood petals, I want sunlight every morning hitting my head like lasers. I want to feel the wind in my leg hair. is that gross? xomc
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wishy washy [14 Apr 2003|11:19am]
jackets have become something you sling over your arm. the sun squints your eyes and your skin buckles under the pressure of warmth. it is spring. crayon colored flowers and a fine yellow dust coat the town. I raced to finish my ice cream as we sat outside beneath the cruel new sun. I drank hard this weekend, making me think that I am hiding a large pain in my heart. I did the same when I quit my last job. last night was more of a fun kind of drinking, getting to know some new people, making them laugh so hard they cry. they couldn't drink enough of that gold so I felt comfortable. it just kept pouring down my throat. I would swim in those toxins if I could. makes me want to stop cold turkey, makes me want to find something harder to abuse my body with. and that's a scary thought. hung out with a kid yesterday, his giant teeth confined to braces. he had the sleepy face of a rabbit and an energy towards his baby sitter which reminded myself of me when I was little. how I would manipulate. I look forward to this spring and summer, despite this underlying tragedy that I'm not dealing with. my boss wore shorts this morning, making me think, that I should fine my own and dust them off. there is laundry to be done and dishes to be washed, a floor to be mopped and bills to pay. nothing really to look forward to. My bills are so large I am unable to put a down payment on the car. I hope it will wait for me. I have never felt so happy and so sad at the same time. I pray I will lean towards the sun. xomc
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for a hamburger today [09 Apr 2003|04:45pm]
it's been grey all week. I got drunk last night, saw some rock. I think it's funny that I won't go see shows unless I'm on the list. does that make me a jerk? I guess my scrubness is a matter worth discussing. I can't wait till I'm rich, I was convinced as a child I would be a rockstar millionaire. I often asked people what color jeep they wanted. in reality, I don't have a car, am late in paying bills and rent. spend what little money I have on booze. my girlfriend is often caught paying for everything and I hate it. I hate her driving me around too. I hate being a scrub and yet I feel as though it is one of the many quirks that makes me "an original." this concept is occasionally looked at with disdain, but not as often as you'd think. I'm like wimpy from the popeye cartoons. I fuckin love popeye cartoons. I have nothing to report today. girlfriend's sister is moving into town. she's my age, has mad cash. looking at her is like looking at what I could've been. but hey, at least I'm not delivering pizzas. I will most likely not see girlfriend as much. and being that "as much" is not at all, I question the relationship's health. there's some honesty for ya. I am not as bummed about not seeing her as I used to be. I'm shifting out of possesive whiny boyfriend mode, and into nice guy, supportive friend mode. we did have a great time when we were friends. i wonder if that was because of the charge of unrequited love, or my being the other man, the secret kept. who knows how things will end up? am I lonely? yes. do I long for baby's arms? yes. But being upset or angry or anything negative is far too taxing. tax season. thank god for e-file. um... I have yet to listen to the new White Stripes on my itunes, nor have I listened to the unfinished radiohead. if someone released any music I made, unfinished I would shit. but I don't pity them, they're just gonna sell boatlaods of cash. I like the images of pro-american iraqis all over the screen today. we can show that image. when does controlling propaganda stop being an infringement on free speech? ask the aljazeera guy that's dead. whoops. war is a deadly game, is how they say they're sorry. look what you've turned me into nate! what's next? voting? I'm going to a comicon in the atl this weekend. I am bringing my video camera. it will be hilarious or the saddest day of my life. I will get recognized. even if I have to start screaming like a madman. xomc
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stuck in a deleted scene from ishtar [04 Apr 2003|03:57pm]
she picked me up with a mouth full of hummus and turkey, still in work clothes, still in work mode. we flew through graffitti bridge behind a motorcycle that made her bring up her x. we pulled into the art farm to see a friend in Hamlet. the art farm like most other things in cabbage town was more of an organized junk yard with sculpture gardens one step past white trash ready mades. A row of discarded space heaters lined the walk up to the theater where no seats were filled. the guy selling the tickets had left me numerous phone messages last summer about starring in a play. I ignored him. never give your number out at weddings. only evil follows. the play was awful, to be kind. as written it's a dream, as performed it is a train wreck. all the actors had an expression of, "if I'm so good why am I not in new york?" some actors rushed through their lines, like Ophelia, as if she had been warned by a tyrant director that he would have to rape her again if she took longer than three seconds stage time. People fumbled lines, the queers lisped off some of the best words ever written like it was a catalog desciption, and horatio, played by a woman, feigned a british accent. thanks for that. thank god she had a cute butt. We were there to see our friend who played a chorus type dancing girl. it was a confused interpretation. guns and swords? ties and dresses? rap and duran duran? I dunno. It made me wish I could see Branagh do it or even at a highschool where my guard would be down. Our friend cracked us up and did a splendid job, speaking succintly, at a normal pace. it felt like rainfall in the desert. girlfriend had commented on my journal and how she hadn't read it in dog years. I think that's what she said. She sounded slightly miffed at my flirting with somebody else the friday before and I would have dismissed it had she not brought up again afterwards. We gave our dancing friend tulips (girl bought those and my ticket and a diet coke and a half a kit kat - I hadn't any cash, I am the lame boyfriend) and headed to a bar that I knew as the cabbage town grill but they called estoria. dancer plowed through a pork quesadilla while we sipped on sodas. Boyfriend of dancer showed up and a pitcher soon planted itself on the table. We made jokes about different names for the pubic mound: meat beard, whisker biscuit, angela hamsburied (mine, in reference to R-kelly's odd murder she wrote reference.) He told us about his day on the dawson's creek set. before long dancer wanted to go home. I managed to start throwing back beer. the pitcher was left half full and we all left. I was soon dropped off to sleep which I thankfully did without bad dreams. Today has been nonplus, nothing really to speak of. Girlfriend has decided to move out of her apartment and her sister is moving to town, which to be honest, scares me, because I guess I freaked her out last time she was here. I got drunk, asked prying questions, looking for family drama. Girl will be gone all weekend and I have nothing to do. there is a party tonight and I will attempt to forget I have even the minor reminiscence of an illness and have some fun. I feel fine now, no feverish sinus explosions in my skull, a little coughing. I hope I get to have fun. I want that more than anything right now, even more than head, even more than sex. xomc
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under the floor boards the heart beats [03 Apr 2003|01:05pm]
cool, zwan has an online journal. I flaked on seeing them here in atlanta. if was any kind of fan of anything, I would know about these things and get tickets before they're sold out. groan. their album always gets me feeling so chipper and then I just listen to it again. so to work against shitty sales and no fan mail. I stayed late at work last night and wrote over hundred of my fans and asked them to buy it or at least get their friends to. I didn't say anything about a car. my dj explained we had just broke even. he's spent way more cash than I thought, shipping did it. so I came to the conclusion that I should put some effort into this. next I will make announcements on fan message boards, asking folks to support me. it's shameless, but I wouldn't be the first to plug a product. many of the folks I wrote we're totally psyched to hear from me and I got plenty of replies this morning. this takes work. the silver platter just went out the window. my lady stayed late last night too, she seems to have come out of the illness I'm still trying to shake. we went to yacht for a bite and when I told the waitress I wasn't drinking she double taked. yes, I'm a drunk. I felt bad for busting sweetie's chops about no sex this morning. I guess the opinions of my friends weigh heavy on me, and the lack of physical contact for a certain amount of time looks bad to the outside observer. I'm not gonna lie. It looked bad to me too. It's not that I was so horny I was gonna explode, I just worried about the "why" of it. when I tell friends she's tired from long days they ask me if that would ever be the case for a guy. the answer of course is no. Although I have declined once or twice, to be fair. there is also the argument that bedroom matters should be kept quiet. I feel too innexprienced not to ask for advice on all things that have anything to do with love, and I take all replies with a grain of salt. I just want to hear what other people have done and what they think about this and that. discourse is healthy. I stretched out my hands across the table littered with carved initials and held her fragile little fingers and asked her if we were still going out. just to hear it out loud. our recent time apart reminded me of us in the beginning when we were just friends and she had an out of town boyfriend. she'd deny me the kisses I begged for with tequila breath. when we said goodbye we just scratched each other onthe knee with our index fingers and said goodnight. the distance is now at the fault of illness. I went up stairs and went immediately to bed, hoping that after three days, maybe I could get a night's rest. I did but the dreams were littered with all sorts of horrible images, mainly that of american paratroopers landing america and taking over this country as well. of GW becoming too impatient, deciding to inititate a nuclear war. scary stuff, but at the same time kind of beautiful. b-52's gliding through the heavy clouds lit by explosions below. the american flag looked like a skull and crossbones to me. earlier in the evening she asked what I thought about while I couldn't sleep. I just replied, everything except the war. I guess that's on my mind as well. during 9/11 I kept up a pretty stone cold face until one night of drinking I started bawling uncontrollably, trying to fathom all the death. I wonder if I will break down any time soon, about all the things I'm not talking about. my head may be tripped out with cold symptoms but I feel as though it's a tell tale heart beating to the point of insanity. xomc
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he's up, he's down, he's up again! [01 Apr 2003|06:16pm]
it's been a tough couple of days. gave sick girlfriend love and political conversation she desperately desired and am now sick, sucking on cough drops, hoping this doesn't ruin the few days of spring atlanta with provide before it gets hot as microwaved balls. got all my t-shirts and cd's and jumped around the office giving everyone bumperstickers even though I said to myself, keep it on the d-lo. too excited. got yelled at today at work, and in case you didn't know, no one yells anymore, now they figure out a way to make you feel crummy. but by end of day, the crummifier was polite and nice, complimenting my drawings as whatnot. nice girl in office next to mine offered me her car for 1500$ clams. it's a piss yellow honda with a maroon interior, but it will be mine. I almost cried because bad news bears were dancing all around me and the car offer would would one step further from trampdom. now we must figure out how to get license. lost my philly one around new year's. that could be the true bitch. made a new friend that is a fan, but is local and cool. of course she wants to high tail it out of town like girlfriend. it seems as though the only people that want to live here can't get off the couch. haven't had a good night's sleep in f'evs and am praying tonight will do me justice. i don't think there will be new gilmore girls tonight so maybe I will finish off existenz which is eh. having this new friend is cool. we emailed all day. I didn't realize how cut off from human contact I was. she vents on job but makes jokes while she does it. cool lady. I love my friends, but I feel like I'm watching them fight with their spouses or themselves. not ideal and no fun for me. I really don't have any friends, or at least it feels like that. I feel like I'm married to a bunch of people. but there's no one to goof around with. I have one friend that's goof ready, but his girlfriend doesn't like my negative influence on him, makes me feel guilty. I'll keep searching. never say die. last friday I gave my friend a shirt and he wore it on the way to the market to buy steaks for grillin'. first person we see outside of the house says, "cool shirt, mc chris." my buddy points at me and says, "this is mc chris." the guy freaked out and turned around, walked up to me and shook my hand. asked me if I had show that night. "no, I just live here." it was a good omen to say the least. the guy had heard about me from a friend of his new york. wow. that's cool. sales and fan mail have been slow as of late. wish I didn't have to rely on so many people to assist in giving my website content, but maybe that can be fixed down the line. my goof buddy is in nc right now filming a scene with the boner inducing michelle williams in the last episode of dawson's. I gave him a cd to give to her. let's hope she hears it and flies me up for a tempestuous weekend. well, that's it. go see irreversible and then go hug your girlfriend. xomc
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swift resolution [25 Mar 2003|05:14pm]
girl's sick again after being sick, overworked and then gone. brother's gone, fun weekend over, all money spent. work is going well and the weather is beyond heaven. cd's and t's are being shipped on the regular and we've made a pile of cash that blows my mind. the response is good. some fans are scary, emailing everyday, reading my live journal. some won't write enough. even though I had a bevy of nice friends, and a cute girlfriend and a kick ass job, I'm still kinda lost in some sorta haze. I guess I can't really talk about why. I'll just say that a change is in order or at least a consistent confidant. there have been many opportunities as of late where I feel like I had no one to talk to. no one to go out with. nothing to do. I'm not challenged or excited about anything and most of the time I just find myself hoping something's good on tv. thank god for pbs. soon I will get paid and then I can buy some grass and maybe that might take the edge off a little. I was pretty bummed last night, watching clockwork orange by myself wondering why a six pack of miller life wasn't taking any effect. I need a change, I need to broaden my horizons. I need to go to more parties meet more people. I got to flirt on friday night and I was alluva sudden reminded of how good it feels. flirting dies off for some reason when you're in a relationship. just being around new people makes me light up. I feel funny and special rather than repetitive. I dunno. I'm gonna give it more time, see if it's maybe just a rut, but if I feel this way come summer, there will have to be some sort of action, some risks must be taken. because I'm starting to pace again just so as to not go to bed at 9:30. I want to stay up late and not just because I'm drinking but because I like who I'm with and I don't want the night to end. is that possible? xomc
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midnight oil [21 Mar 2003|06:57pm]
It's like las vegas the way that place is lit up. I saw the words, "Baghdad Under Attack," and it reminded me of when I woke up one morning and saw a bunch of white people in suits, covered in white powder, on my television with the title: America Under Attack. Thanks to nate schmoe for posting those articles. it's good to fight, but I guess it feels like voting to me, pointless. there's the "part of the problem" argument, but I guess I kinda believe that all Americans are the problem, no one here is innocent of morbid consumption. I don't know what I'm talking about. Politics have never been my forte. I've always considered myself an impartial observer, because I've always considered myself a writer or an artist, someone watching, never taking part, but then again my mac n'cheese is made by phillip morris and I watch "Are you Hot?" Therefore I am guilty. My brother gets in at midnight. My girl's gonna try to meet us tonight, but she'll be leaving for new orleans all weekend. After the crazy week she's had, I'll be amazed if she can form rational thoughts. she's so cool to try to come out, since she'll be leaving at the crack tomorrow morning. It'll be nice to talk to my brother about the war, I just hope he and his wife aren't all dramatic about everything. I'm waiting for a ride from my boss. But he's off giving interviews with somebody or something. So I guess I just swallow it and get on the train. Here's to a good weekend, hopefully capped off by a ridiculous oscars. say a prayer for steve martin, that's a tough task. I wonder what the first joke will be. my bet is it's at hollywood's expense. I met a fan today in the office, she had bought a t-shirt and a cd and man oh boy was she a Q-T. It's been too long since I've seen my girlfriend. I'm forgetting I have one. I need a long drawn out make out session, the kind where the ocean sneaks up on you and covers you in seaweed. xomc
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don't you know there's a war on? [20 Mar 2003|06:02pm]
Last night was so weird. My friend, Matt, picks me up on the roof with pez dipped in acid, wrapped in plastic, hidden in a wad of ones. I'm wearing an army helmet and hold up an amunition case like a lunch box. I had no idea we'd be going to war that night, despite the ultimatum. Attacking at that point would be far too obvious. We get back to my place and play a game of chess while we listen to the Vince Guaraldi Trio. My ass gets kicked as it does everytime I've ever played but like I say, I'm fun to beat. When he asks me to play I think no and say yes. acid puts you into that open mood that is impossible it seems to maintain while sober. He begins, and then continues to, for the rest of the night gag and act like he's going to puke. He never does. He does takes shits non stop throughout the evening. We decide to walk to Randy's. It's windy and a storm is brewing, but it just feels nice and spring-ish, like a soap commercial. He's a little frenetic, unabel to sit in one place for more than an hour. Randy has his pajamas and bedroom slippers on. He's currently in between gigs. He's watching Lizzie Macguire in lacivious, down right dirty manor. The Disney Channel turns out to be great fun to watch. The acid has kicked in at this point, but it feels weak. The hallucinations are slim and it takes heavy concentration to get the wall paper to undulate. I pet Randy's dog Dottie which is unprecedented. I'm allergic. And yet I have no reaction, which brings me to the conclusion that my allergies are more like phantoms or at least I tricked myself into thinking so. Matt takes two dumps and then gets antsy as I flip through a book on Michael O'Donaghue. We head towards Manuel's, pass by the apartment complex that is now just a burnt out frame. It's while we're at Manuel's that the war begins and the night vision begins to tell its awkward tale. A biker screams, "Time is up for Saddam!" It's zero hour. We make jokes about a wake for a budweiser executive that's taking place in the next room. We make jokes about everything and laugh our asses off. Randy doesn't laugh too much, so I buy him a sandwhich for putting up with us. We both took big bites. He drank the au jus, it's beef broth. We head out again, now it's raining full on. We part ways with Randy and head back to my house. We stop at the Euclid Avenue Yacht Club and try to force down some beer but we can't. I just wanna curl up into my girlfriend, who won't come out to meet us. We force ourselves out of the booth and walk home, leaving behind, for the first time, untouched pabst. the waitstaff must've surmised the situation. they know us well. Matt goes home to meet wife who has just gotten home from play rehearsal. I put on some reggae and hide myself under some blankets, listen to the storm, watch the sky light up to a misty grey accompanied by giant claps of thunder. it feels like Iraq or least what I saw through the night vision. I hear bi-planes and bombs fly down and hit the ground all around me. It's just thunder and low flying planes, but I'm still a little spooked and too sped up to close my dilated pupils. Unfortuantely I am unable to sleep, assume 1000 positions, none of them satisfactory. Eventually the alarm goes off and I march off to work. I make it though the day ok, but everything is drawn out and quiet with only the sounds of CNN echoing through the halls. It is a slow day to say the least and now that's it's over I must go home and clean up my house for my brother. I'm too tired to think. I have no thoughts on the war other than the general feeling that all parties are misinformed and quick to jump the gun. My night of debauchery was far too mellow and below expectations to be compared to the times in Philly where I would drop four tabs and stare at brick walls with orgasmic abandon. Life just keeps walking past you like a herd of stormtroopers headed off to war. It's not shocking to see them. I am not filled with hope. I feel as though war will continue until someone that faintly resembles jimmy carter takes control. and that will never happen because america has the mentality of that biker, constantly adjusting it's crotch. we are so pissed about our september death toll that we must take an sos pad to the globe. It makes me want to run away and become a fisherman in brazil. gut fish all day. xomc
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why won't anyone watch spy kids 2 with me?! [13 Mar 2003|09:17pm]
I have so many random thoughts I will just list them:

1. apple juice makes me feel like a kid, diet coke makes me feel like a woman in her thirties.

2. a girlfriend that kisses you when you have a zit on your lip is a keeper.

3. look in the mirror more often, so as to prevent having zits on lips in case kissing occurs.

4. last night, I spied through a chain link fence and saw this guy try to pick his girl off the ground because she was too drunk to get up. they were drunk and fighting. he kept on begging her to let him go home. finally he just started addressing her like a dog, saying things like, "come on, chase me home." it made me feel like I should drink less. regardless of how much or how little fun i'm having, people look like real goofs when they're drunk.

5. i liked it when the fat guy on american idol complained about the little booty chairs. i hate that there's nothing on but american idol.

6. i hate that i'm at work right now when i should be at home, "watching are you hot," damn president with his stupid war made me miss it last week. the daily show is interesting again.

7. where did the osbournes go? aren't there more episodes?

8. there was a fire in my neighborhood two days ago. my girlfriend and i went and checked it out. you could see the moon through the windows because there was no roof. we kissed a few small tired kisses after a long day. I felt like we were doing something really beautiful. kissing in the ashes.

9. the chapelle show has been good every time i've watched. i can see his crack addict character becoming a national treasure.

10. you walk faster when it's cold and you're not wearing a jacket..

11. it feels good to come out of air conditioning and feel the sun hit your skin.

12. if the lunch lady gives you free food right before she throws out the leftovers, it means you're a nice person and that strangers like you.

13. it's one thing to have fans, but to have them set up a message board and defend your efforts in the face of adversity (ie. bad reviews) is a mind blower.

14. nice weather makes me want to ride my bike to work, but I'm worried about the unforgiving foothills of atlanta.

15. I wonder if i'll ever buy a bike helmet.

16. I am fat and no longer consider myself to be attractive when I look at my reflection in the bedroom window.

17. I should ride my bike to work this weekend as a test, to see if I can pull it off. That would solve all issues feautured in point 16.

18. the big boss man said i was his hero today and that i was going far. i wonder if he was kidding.

19. i am ready for the matrix after watching the matrix toons on the web.

20. my girl is getting me a burrito right now. one of the editors here gets visited by his wife every night and she brings him arby's. last night they were eating potato cakes. I miss potato cakes. they harken back to a simpler time.

21. my gas bill is over a hundred dollars. hurray for summer.

22. I have a shitty air condtioner.

23. why must spring last only a few hours in atlanta? we'll be hitting the eighties next week. last week it was in the forties.

24. my girlfriend is some how getting prettier and kinder as we continue.

25. my brother is coming into town. I hope my friends don't try to embarass me by telling him stories about me waking up in abandoned cars and what not.

26. I worry about my brother meeting my girlfriend, just as I would be my parents, only because it's hard not to fall in love with her, and I don't want them to get attached or consider me a failure if I lose her somehow. They are not used to me being content with one girl for so long.

27. those kids at that shitty birthday party look so happy after cap'n crunch turns them in cartoons.

28. I feel as though I've been away from new york and chicago so long, no one thinks about me anymore. I need to go back just to hug everyone, let them know I miss them.

29. I never get any email, and I guess that's because I never send it out, right?

30. I used to like fall best. but now I like spring, just because a warm wind is like nothing else, especially when it's scented by the impatient dogwoods. i look forward to everything.

xomc
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